I have found a friend in the most curious of places...

Turns out she was right in my backyard. But they say things are best hidden in plain sight. I have never had more in common with a person, and yet been so different. It is very hard for me to find real true friends I have a tendency to look towards the good in people and not see the forest for the trees as it were. I end up getting used and mistreated its really a vicious cycle, I tell my husband you can't ween them out if you don't make the initial effort. He laughs but I know it bothers him. He doesn't like that I strike out so much.

Anyway I met this girl Jessica.. She inspires me, 21 years old, mother of two beautiful baby twins only a month older than my dear Heidi. She does it all on her own, and somehow keeps her house spotless, AND attends school for medical assisting. Her preservearance in the face of adversity is amazing. She thinks she isn't strong but I have never met a stronger person. To come up from where she was.. to were she is and to rectify her mistakes like she does.. To love and respect people I can't stand to be around... I just don't know how she does it! I am a better person for having known her... Thanks Jessica for being my true friend.

"Du erinnerst mich an Liebe" / "You remind me of love"

This song is so beautiful... It really speaks to me.. I heard it first time up at the Marve when Alana was playing her Ich und Ich cd think I just outright fell in love with the band lol but here is the original version in German then the English translation..

wenn meine seele grau ist, nichts macht mehr sinn ich bin ganz oben und ich weiß nicht mehr wohin ich gehen soll wo viele schatten sind da ist auch licht ich laufe zu dir ich vergesse dich nicht du kennst mich und mein wahres gesicht

du erinnerst mich an liebe ich kann sehen wer du wirklich bist du erinnerst mich daran wie es sein kann wozu der ganze kampf um macht und geld was soll ich sammeln hier auf dieser welt wenn ich doch gehen muss wenn mein tag gekommen ist wenn meine innere stimme zu mir spricht ich bin taub und höre sie nicht dann schau mich an und halte mich

erinner mich an liebe zeig mir wer du wirklich bist erinner mich daran wie es sein kann erinner mich an liebe zeig mir wer du wirklich bist erinner mich daran wie es sein kann da ist ein weg so weit und endet in unendlichkeit da ist ein fluss lang und schön ich kann das ende nicht sehen

du erinnerst mich an liebe ich kann sehen wer du wirklich bist du erinnerst mich daran wie es sein kann erinner mich an liebe zeig mir wer du wirklich bist erinner mich daran wie es sein kann wenn meine seele grau ist, nichts macht mehr sinn ich bin ganz oben und ich weiß nicht mehr wohin ich gehen soll

when my soul is gray, nothing makes sense any more i'm way up there and i don't know any more where i should go where so many shadows are, there's also light i run to you, i don't forget you you know me and my true face

you remind me of love i can see who you really are you remind me of how it can be what all the struggle's about - for power and money what should i collect here in this world?when I have to go, when my day has come when my inner voice speaks to me i'm deaf and don't hear it then look at me and hold me

remind me of love show me who you really are remind me of how it can be remind me of love show me who you really are remind me of how it can be there is a path that's so far and it ends in infinity there is a river so long and beautiful i can't see the end

you remind me of love i can see who you really are you remind me of how it can be remind me of love show me who you really are remind me of how it can be when my soul is gray, nothing makes sense any more i'm way up there and i don't know any more where i should go

My song to sum up this year....

"Because Of You"

I will not make the same mistakes that you did I will not let myself Cause my heart so much misery I will not break the way you did, You fell so hard I've learned the hard way To never let it get that far

Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me Because of you I am afraid

I lose my way And it's not too long before you point it out I cannot cry Because I know that's weakness in your eyes I'm forced to fake A smile, a laugh everyday of my life My heart can't possibly break When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me Because of you I am afraid

I watched you die I heard you cry every night in your sleep I was so young You should have known better than to lean on me You never thought of anyone else You just saw your pain And now I cry in the middle of the night For the same damn thing

Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything Because of you I don't know how to let anyone else in Because of you I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty Because of you I am afraid

Because of you Because of you

Nanna and Pops..

we had a nice weekend at nanna and pops, we brought rat dog with us and as it tuns out she was in good company, she had three other dogs to run around with, she got a great run through their expansive land, as did heidi lol. we had a nice bofire and mike went shooting with the boys, got to play cards and drive his dad home hahah. happy to be back home though, me and air mattresses dont have a very working relationship. lol.

Competition...

The neighbor across the st is making competition for me as far as the decorating is going. I had to go buy more lights today :p

Decorative day

I spent today getting ready for the holidays that are upon us had a blast!

Trader Joe's and chocolate...

So I'm totally obsessed with trader joes lately. Unfortunately I dont have one close by... But they really really need one! Anyways for thoes of you who don't know joes, its an organic natural totally yummy food store. Michael and I can't make a trip to fairfield ct without making a stop at trader joes. We recently found this chocolate pack that has chocolate from different places its Soooooo good! Here take a look...

overwhelmed...

i am feeling so overwhelmed... i have so much worry in my life right now.. so much sadness... i haven't even begun to heal from the passing of my dear friend jimmy Clark, the recent issues in my marriage, and now to day the passing of my great aunt Eva... this has just been one hell of an emotional roller coaster for me.. and i hate roller coasters...  just want off.. i cant even figure out how i am getting myself out of bed any more. seeing my home town the way it was, and now where i lived for the last ten years is under water.. i feel like things are falling down all around me.. i just keep asking god for the strength.. and trying to take it day by day...

Today was one heck of a busy day!

I got up this morning and headed off to get my hair cut.. and of course visit with Jane! Heidi was being a lovely child and amusing herself with George. then we went to morra morra for some coffee... and Heidi got herself a huge, and i mean huge rice crispy treat. then i ran off to Christmas tree shoppes and bought a few things for the house. after that we spent some time at the SGRA headquarters... i am just bushed!! time for bed... tomorrow is going to be just as busy..

Recommend this cook book to everyone!!

Got my new computer/tablet! Yay!

So for the record this thing is totally cool. It runs exactly like my phone with close to all the apps my phone has.. the graphics and speed are much better... But I'm totally hooked!

Pictures from my home town after Irene

this house had been moved and is now sitting on i beams

Due to flooding everyone was throwing stuff out

This is where the house sat

Their porch is gone

more people on the point throwing things away

this house sustained some structural dammage

notice the boat isnt any where near the water

These people had a yard, now all sand

CT

It has been and interesting time here in Connecticut. We arrived around five ish on Friday evening. We stopped off in Clarks Summit, PA... ahhhh... home... and had lunch at the good ol' Sunrise Cafe. I got a chance to visit with my "regulars" and Dawn got a chance to visit with Heidi. When we got to Fairfield there was no power to speak of, and with out power.. it meant no fridge, no food, no milk for Heidi. So off to Penfield beach we went. We had a lovely evening watching the sunset and Heidi enjoyed the swings and the waters edge. It was very picturesque. We got food from the restaurant down there. I thoroughly enjoyed a lobster roll.

When it started getting to be dusk we left the beach and drove down the point. There we found oodles and oodles of people throwing away rugs, furnishings, you name it... all flood damaged, not to mention the four foot high piles of sand that should have been on the beach. It was so utterly depressing to see where I grew up looking like this. The police had the end of the point blocked off so one could not see all the houses that had fallen into the ocean. After this we drove home...

We drove past numerous dark houses.. mom mentioned that she had not stopped for ice in hopes that the power was back... although we left at 6:37 pm and if UI didn't have it fixed by 7 we would have to wait until the next day. As we rounded the corner at Round Hill Rd we took notice to the fact that our ST lights were lit!! Then one more turn and we saw the porch light was on. Mom told us how she had left it on so we would know right away! She was ex tactic! As was I, but for her it was different... she was going on almost six days with out power. Without hot showers... etc... So when we parked I decided to call dad in Lyme, CT and tease him that we had power here and he decided to go to the lake where there was no power... well... I was wrong. I got on the phone with him and he goes, "Yea.. well ours came on here too!" I hang up and tell my mother... who of course can't believe it, thinks dad was messing with me and calls him. He confirms, and we pack everything, and head off to the lake!

The lake was nice, lots of work to get done.. but we had fun. Mom and I did some shopping, while Michael and my Dad rebuilt the shed. (which looks awesome now might I add) Then I took Michael to the airport in Providence, RI. TOTAL BUMMER!!!! But he will be back in seven weeks and I must be patient! At least I have a lovely support network of family and friends!

Trials and tribulations...

the last few days have been a test of will and human spirit... Between insane unmanageable children, to a friend with a diagnosis of schizophrenia who has been terribly bad lately. Not to mention dealing with the knowledge that Michael will be away for 7 months... And how utterly long of a time that will be... Packing, doing laundry, stressing over being in ct with no power, no water and a baby... It's just all so much... I am left awake... At 2:30 am unable to sleep... Dreading what is to come next. I have to drive to ct tomorrow...  Lord knows what conditions the roads will be in... I have seen so many pictures come out of Fairfield and Bridgeport it makes my head swim... My home town... Won't be how I remember it and that depresses the hell out of me. Some people there won't get power restored until a month from now... It's funny the luxuries we all take for granted... *sigh* just not looking forward to my tomorrow at this point...

Gross i was on the news

Firefighters look into gas smell | Star-Gazette | stargazette.com http://www.stargazette.com/article/20110828/NEWS01/108280355/Firefighters-look-into-gas-smell?odyssey=tab%7Ctopnews%7Ctext%7CFRONTPAGE

Huricaine Irene

My mother sent me this.. apparently the took all the road signs down to be prepared..  in Fairfield county and disconnected the power to the electric ones... Must be really spooky looking on I-95. Please keep my family in your prayers.

Huricaine Irene and my busy day...

So everything is still up in the air as to if Irene is going to turn in our direction or not, but my parents are preparing bc it will most certainly hit CT. I just got off the phone with my dad who is pulling the boat from the water as I write this.. they have two houses right in the path... Both within a few miles of the beach. So far for us it looks like some rain... Maybe... I still can't get over them evacuating nyc!  That just seems insane to me... I mean heck, where will all those people go? But pretty much all of New England will be in my prayers this weekend, as the far majority of my family lives there. at least people are as prepared as they can be.

On another note I have a busy day today! Mike and I are going to see a girl about a piano. Then if we like it rounding up a truck and a few people to bring it home!! Yay!! Then from there heading to Corning for lunch we were going to go to Thali of India for our wedding anniversary on Monday but it's closed.:(  so instead we are going for lunch today with Heidi who loves the food there as much as we do! Then we have TONS of stuff to get done around the house so I will be busy busy!!

Just one of those really nice days !

My day started off with me being awfully tired, but a quick stop at the Dunkin Donuts drive through and one large iced coffee later I had enough pep for the day! :) I headed off to Meals On Wheels for my Friday delivery. This time not with Sid which surprisingly made it a Tad more enjoyable. I took Tessa and she was delightful today.

Afterword we did a bit of tag sailing. Found a cute pink bean bag chair for Heidi, some $5 Xbox 360 games for Mike and Tessa found some clothes she wanted. Then we made a quick pit stop at Weis for some milk and pectin. I found this great easy recipe for making fresh preserves. When my father came to visit last week he brought along with him some blueberries he had picked fresh in PA... They were awesome!  We made an amazing jam from them! Michael and I admittedly sat there and polished off a whole jar! LOL!  (4 oz jar thankfully)  I plan on posting the recipe for sure!! 

I made one of my favorite recipes for pot roast and baby red potatoes for dinner.. Then Michael came home with some BEAUTIFUL flowers for me!!  Some yellow lilies and a purple flower I have never seen before. Such a sweet man! Dinner came out nice Heidi and papa really enjoyed it. Then we had a nice calm, relaxing night watching food network.  I am lucky right now, Michael and Heidi have gone off to bed and I am sitting here with a nice cup of Gut'nact tea... Listening to some nice soft jazz on NPR. *sigh* heaven...

update...

Sorry have really been slacking on writing. Just been so so busy!! Finally completely settled in the new house. I will do my best to write more frequently!

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I LOVE my new house!!

This house is so interesting there is always people outside, always something going on and I have this amazing porch to watch all the action from its like living on the set of rear window (minus the murder part) its like the real busy city life. The one house always has band practice and they are really good. The other runs a day care so lots happening there. We have the neighborhood busy body that makes sure if something is happening she is right there to watch... The neighbors with kids that are always running around and playing in my bushes.. and running up and down the ally way. I just feel such a good vibe here. :) it's so diverse and fascinating to see people from all walks of life being friendly with each other.

thoughts on the rapture of 2011...

I for one, being a believer in god, do not believe in the rapture. We were all sitting around enjoying our rapture party, consisting of Mexican food and tequila, discussing how a God as loving and as forgiving as our god would not bring about the end of in such a fashion. The god we know forgives all and loves dearly his creation. These people who take the bible literally terrify me. I don't judge, it isn't my place, but my goodness... The bible is written by man, as an account of Jesus' life, by his own standards man is flawed, hence sending forth his only son to be crucified for our sins. By that, being that the bible is written by man inherently it is flawed as well. It is a book ment to gain strength from, understanding from, love and compassion from. Not to instill fear, hysteria or any of that.... With that said, part of faith is the unknown... And well... You just never know.

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some much needed art therapy...

I am tired....

Everything is just so tiring lately, my house stresses me out to no end with all the packing.... There are just boxes everywhere! Thank god Brent will let us move ahead of time, gives me lots of time to get it done! I cant wait until its the 24th already... I just need to get it all over and done with already. I feel like its this looming thing... And my mother STILL hasn't talked to me... At least things with the brother are a little better... I am just so Damn sick of helping people out and ending up the bad guy. It's really starting to get to me. I try so hard to do the right thing... Somehow sometimes the right thing feels or goes terribly wrong. It's not just with my family, but they are the most judgemental... I keep hearing from sid how all Greg does is sit at his house and talk shit about me. That hurts but i keep telling myself that its only bc he is so miserable himself that pointing out my faults makes him feel better. Maybe that's true but it keeps me from snapping. I just find myself fighting back tears constantly bc I feel like I have no one in my corner... Not a new feeling but one that is really getting old... I just don't know what to do anymore... I just need a break.. a real one... I need my family to like me again, I need this stress to go away... And I need Michael to quit being so pissy and mean.. and I need people like Cindy and heather to stop running their mouths... It's really getting old. It's like one big cess pool of drama over there.. and Greg and Cindy fuel each other.. and its all against me! Me the one who took Greg in for ten months, me the one who fed Cindy when she couldnt afford food... Me the one who let's them leach my internet bc they can't afford it... Me the one who helps them out every chance I get... I have never ever in my life felt more unapreciated than I do right now. I sware, if I didn't have Heidi I would have a gun in my mouth.

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my latest fortune....

I officially love that Chinese restaurant!

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I am so frustrated.

It's just been that kind of week, my mother is clearly displeased with my decision to move, I feel like a pile of crap for having asked her to barrow money. I hate doing that and she in no way makes it an easy task. I feel like u can't even talk to her now. *sigh* that coupled with the bs with my brother and heather flipping her shit with me on the lawn I just feel like I am in crazy-ville. I'm tempted to sit in a corner and rock muttering incoherently about nothing. Life is supposed to be easier than this. When you are nice to people they are supposed to be nice back, it just isn't that way. I will never ask my family for another thing.

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There is always some shit...

I hate Elmira. Hate Hate Hate Elmira. I lived in this shity house for far too long now dealing with the crap of society, criminals, rapists, all the shit nyc sent here and refused to take back once they carried out their sentences. I don't really care how many are reformed bc the ones that aren't shoot good people like my neighbor billy. I need to get out of here. My daughter deserves better.

On another note I deserve better. I took my little brother in. I gave him a place to stay. Fought for him to stay here to the point my husband really resents me. I gave him a home, food, a warm bed, and rides to work. How does he repay me? Get this, he doesn't even bother to tell me he is moving out today I have to ask him. Wtf is that? Apparently I am not worthy enough to know what is going on in my own home. I cant move from here fast enough.

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Conneticut day three... (marvelwood reunion)

We had a good time in Kent. It was a little bit lame cause only Leslie was there. I didn't know anyone else but I really enjoyed showing my husband around the campus. I think he really learned how different and beneficial boarding schools are. The campus is gorgeous it has wide open fields, great views and a beautiful lake. I really enjoyed seeing my former teachers. They really enjoyed Heidi especially Mrs d. She always has fun with her. Then we hopped over to office max to say hi to nick and then home where we saw my cousins. It was fun alyssa played with Heidi as usual, she will make a great baby sitter some day LOL.

Conneticut day two....

As if yesterday was not busy enough! Today we got up and headed to Norwalk and hit up Stew Leonard's Heidi LOVED all the samples, and the entertainment. If you don't know Stew's then I should explain, it has little shows of sorts throughout the whole store. Such as in the fruit section a mechanical dancing chiquita banana who also sings. They have live farm animals as well. Their coffee is Soooooo good, and so are the chocolate croissants. From there we went to Fairfield University to make our rounds and visit with everyone Heidi is a famous baby there LOL. Then we went to this Turkish restaurant. The food was so very yummy. And the Turkish coffee was good, they had a different sort of backlava l uploaded pics, its the green looking things. Then we went and saw Rockapella at the Quick Center (I used to work there) it was so awesome! And rather nostalgic for me, so another busy day here in ct! Tomorrow we are off to Kent for my HS reunion.

Conneticut day one....

The trip here was hell on earth there were tornado warnings across the board. We misses the one headed towards our house by about ten mins. I of course had to drive as mike had worked all day. But with a lot of faith and prayer we made it to my parents house. It took an extra hour because for a lot of the trip I had to drive four miles an hour in an attempt to see through the blinding rain. My poor windshield wipers couldn't keep up!! The sky was almost lit constantly with how many lightening strikes kept on.

After we arrived we were up for a while and got up early today. We hit up our FAVORITE bagle restaurant had our usual lox bagles and Heidi realy enjoyed her rainbow bagle. It was quite cute. After that we went off to my friend Jon's house wich was utterly impromptu but nice none the less, he went to Whole Foods with us which is a totally awesome natural/organic food store in Westport, CT. We got Heidi her little snackies. Then we went to Sasco Beach and watched the waves crashing Nm and the storm rolling inland. From there we were off to First Church Fairfield to see Mrs. Caldwell before she moves to Manchester. We also popped in on Rev. Spolett who is growing his hair long and has it in a ponytail which is a good look for hmim. He was happy to see Heidi since he hasn't since her christening. If this wasn't enough activity for the day we had a great dinner with mom and dad and then dad took us out to Sunny Daes for ice cream :) anyhoo... I uploaded some pics of the beautiful trees in bloom here at my parents house, and some pics if the beach.